


Just Crash, Fall Down...

by F1girl



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Roller Coaster, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Physical Abuse, Reconciliation, Strength, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-10 10:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3287447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F1girl/pseuds/F1girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Using Crash by YouMeAtSix for inspiration, Kimi and Sebastian have been together since senior school. They were THE couple. The ones that would make it, prove to everyone true love was real. They would have the perfect life. Until everything started to crumble from the inside out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I warn you now, the first couple of chapters of this could be quite dark with some potential triggers for people.

_Wait, where you say you've been? Who you been with? Where you say you're goin'? Who you goin' with?_

 

"I don't understand why you won't just trust me!"

"How can I trust you if you don't tell me the truth Seb? The Student Union closed an hour ago!"

"I told you Kimi, I was just walking Hanna back to her block! She was in a state and her friends had already gone so I couldn't just..."

"She lives the other end of campus! It's not exactly miles away." Kimi cut across him, he was crowding Seb into the corner of the room - not shouting, just speaking so coldly, it was almost worse than when he shouted in the past. Almost, but not quite. Kimi's eyes narrowed in a warning as Seb opened his mouth to reply.

"I told you, she lost her key. We had to call the warden but then she didn't have any ID so he couldn't just let her..."

"Seb. Don't lie to ME!" The last word was louder than before, emphasised by Kimi's fist hitting the wall just to the right of Seb's head.

Seb flinched and shrank back even further against the cold cheap wallpaper that covered Kimi's dorm room. His heart was in his mouth, he knew one wrong word would tip Kimi over the edge, the memories of what had happened last time was still painfully clear to the German. Not just in his mind, but through the soreness in his left wrist he wondered if he'd ever loose.

Still, that had been his fault really. Not Kimi's. Not really.

His eyes flew around the dorm room, quickly raking in the the tell tale signs. There was a smouldering cigarette lying by the broken ashtray on the tatty wooden painted windowsill, several bottles were balanced almost in art in the waste paper bin at the end of the desk and on the desk itself; an upturned photo frame surrounded by smashed glass. Seb recognised it immediately. It contained a picture of the two of them, taken on Seb's phone and given to Kimi as a present in that frame. Seb could have described the photo to every perfect minute detail.

It had been the day of last A Level exam, neither had anything to worry about until results in the August, they were 18, beautiful, free, money wasn't a problem and they were in love. It had been Kimi's idea to go for the sunset walk and as they had walked through the sparse evergreens and shrubs on the common, the sand sticking to their sandals and covering their toes, he had taken Seb's hand - content as usual to allow the curly haired boy to fill the silence. They had found it then, that perfect bench overlooking the whole of the common and facing out west, it was the perfect place to sit and watch the sun go down. For a moment, Seb had fallen quiet - his breath taken away by the sight below him. The fading summer sun cast a warm orange glow over everything, enhancing the trees, the sandy paths, the woody tracks, even the other walkers off in the distance seemed beautiful in the serene light falling from the setting June sun. For once, Seb didn't feel the need to say anything, he just allowed himself to rest calmly and peacefully against Kimi's bare arm, their fingers interlocked despite the heat, breathing in his smell and soaking in the sight before him.

It was then that Kimi had said it. Seb had almost fallen off the bench in disbelief. His heart had jumped in to is mouth and his eyes welled up. He remembered that moment so very clearly, remembered breathing the word yes like it had always been there, ready, waiting. Yes.

The memory snapped, the smell of cheap Vodka falling from his boyfriends mouth with every laboured breath he took was prominent even to his own tipsy brain and it pulled Seb back in to the here and now. The redness in Kimi's eyes betrayed the insecurities he had tried to cover with alcohol once again.

"Kimi, my love, please.... Just..." Seb raised his hand to encircle Kimi's fully tensed fist still dangerously close to his face. As his hand closed around it he watched Kimi's eyes fly wide open, Kimi threw himself backwards away from the wall he had pinned Seb against as soon as he had walked through the door, barely ten minutes before. He sent himself hurtling into his desk, kicking the bottles balanced so precariously and they went tumbling across the worn, stained blue carpet. Bracing himself against the top, Kimi felt his knees begin to give way and he sunk to the floor defeated and disgusted with himself.

He felt hands on his shoulders, running down his arms, pulling at his hands that he only know realised were clawing at his face and hair.

"No!" He violently tried to shrug the hands off him as he clung to himself, drawing his knees up to his chest he felt the sobs begin to wrack through his chest. He shrugged vehemently as he felt Seb's hands return to his shoulders and continue to try and prize his hands free. "Don't touch me Seb. I don't mean it, I'm sorry. I can't hurt you." Kimi began to garble mindlessly as he glanced up and saw the ruined photo frame. Grabbing wildly at his fair again he buried his face in his knees and felt the sobs roll through his entire body.

Seb just sank to the floor beside him, his hands never leaving Kimi's arms, he pulled him into his hold. Ignoring the shaking and Kimi's attempts to shrug him off, Seb just held him, waiting for his breathing to calm and the trembling to stop as silent tears ran down his own face.

 

_Wait, keep me in your skin, Keep me in your chest. I'll wait for it to start, I'll wait for it to end._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realising there is a problem is half the solution itself.

_Keep me on my toes,  
Keep me in the know. ___

 

Seb woke with a start, a cold sweat slicked over his entire body, he was trembling and he could feel the tears dried on his face. Quickly rubbing at his eyes to remove the evidence he rolled over to face Kimi. Sleeping. Of course he was still asleep. It didn't seem to matter just how bad things got, he could always count on Kimi to get a good nights sleep. 

Looking at Kimi lying there, his pale features relaxed in sleep, throwing into contrast how young he still looked. He really was beautiful, Seb thought. Searching that face for any sign of the anger or the pain remaining from the previous night Seb felt his heart jolt. A pain shot through his chest, so acute and sharp he would have sworn it really was physical. How was it possible to love someone this much? To need and want someone this much? Especially after everything. Clutching at his chest Seb gasped as fresh tears threatened to spill from his tired eyes. No! He would not cry anymore! Would not show Kimi what he was reduced to, he was strong enough to do this. Kimi needed him. Kimi loved him. Seb knew this, even if Kimi had forgotten it right now. 

Forcing himself to take deep breathe to steady himself, Seb rolled back over. Laying down on his side, he instinctively snuggled backwards into Kimi's hold, tensing slightly as he felt an arm snake round him, resting on his chest and pulling him tighter in, but Kimi's breathing remained unaltered, he was still asleep. Relaxing into the strong hold Seb allowed himself to drift back off to sleep, pushing aside the pain coursing through him and making himself remembering a time being held like this would make him feel so very safe and trying to emulate that feeling now. 

 

Kimi felt Seb roll back over and waited until the others breathing had returned to normal before opening his eyes. He daren't move for fear of waking him again. Studying the back of Seb's head, loosing himself in the texture of his scruffy hair for a moment and breathing in that smell that was uniquely Seb. His brain just wouldn't shut off. 

Every time he tried to close his eyes all he could see was Seb's face from last night. The fear pouring from his eyes as Kimi had him cornered. The love in his eyes even as Kimi had struck out at him again. 

He felt sick. Physically sick. 

How could he do this to someone he loved so much. He needed Seb more than air and yet he pushed him away, he lashed out at him, he destroyed him. 

Oh how he wished for times past. 

Carefully pulling his arm back Kimi eased himself up from the single bed, making sure not to disturb a sleeping Seb he made his way towards the window and began searching for his cigarettes. 

Thinking he must have left them on his desk he turned and began searching blindly in the dark for the pack he knew was still half full. A sharp pain went through his finger and it was all he could do not to shout aloud. Pulling it up to his mouth and sucking he realised it was bleeding. Shit! It was the shattered remains of the picture frame he had smashed in his drunken state. 

His chest seized up and in that moment Kimi felt smaller than he ever had in his life. 

That photo. The one of the two of them from that day. The one Seb had framed for him. The one he's given him on their first night at university. 

Kimi remembered that day more clearly than anything. Every moment of it was secured in his brain and he could have described every detail of the photo itself to absolute perfection. 

Clutching his chest as the pain rose up again he tried to push away the memories of the day on the common. The most perfect day. 

He wished he could tell Seb how nervous he'd been as they walked up to that bench in the orange glow of the setting midsummer sun. How hard it had been to get the words out as Seb had leaned against him. Kimi had known what he'd wanted to say for months and that evening could not have been a better time to act on it. 

The memories overwhelmed him as he fumbled with his lighter in attempt to numb the emotion pouring through him with nicotine. 

He wished he could tell Seb. 

But how could he? After all he'd done. What right did he have to talk about those time after what he had done in the last few months? 

Kimi heard a whimper behind him and span to look at the bed. Seb had rolled over his arm across the empty space, clutching at the empty sheets a breathless call for "Kimi" falling from his lips. 

He knew what he had to do. Putting the cigarette out he returned to the bed, kissing the darker haired man on the top of his head and pulling a pillow into Seb's grasp, Kimi returned to the desk. He began picking up the remnants of the glass. Piece by piece. Fragment by fragment. 

His brain filling with all the words he hadn't said - he knew what he had to do. 

_Keep me on my toes.  
Keep me in the know. ___


End file.
